LANL: The Corporate Story

How many times have we told you "No horsing around in TA-55!"

AS we here at LLNL (about 10 miles from Scott Adams place) sit around waiting for our turn in the barrel, the news from TA-55 has filled us with some trepidation.

For almost a year ominous rumors have been circulating among high-level LLNL leaders that the LANS LLC had been at work on what was darkly hinted to be the ultimate weapon: a DILBERT device. Intelligence sources traced the site of the top secret comedic project to the perpetually cloud-shrouded wastes of TA-55. What you were building or why it should be located in such a remote and desolate place no one could say.

I realize that there were some of you who fought against it, but in the end you could not keep up with the expense involved in the RRW competition, the security infractions, and the contract change. At the same time your people grumbled for more salary and retirement benefits. The deciding factor was when you learned that LLNL had DILBERT and you were afraid of a DILBERT gap.

DILBERTization is the most monstrously conceived and dangerous comedic plot you will ever have to face. Do you realize that in addition to DILBERTing TA-55, why, there are studies underway to DILBERT Y12, the Kansas City Plant, Pantex ..NNSA headquarters. NNSA Headquarters – DOE’s NNSA Headquarters!

Do you know when DILBERTization began? Nineteen ninety-six. How does that coincide with your post-testing Comic conspiracy? It’s incredibly obvious, isn’t it. A foreign cartoon is introduced into your precious organizations without the knowledge of management. Certainly without any choice. That’s the way your hard-core Comic works.

Fortunately management was able to see that you were some kind of deviated comics -----found out about your DILBERTS, found out about some kind of mutiny of comics. You perhaps recall what Clemenceau once said about cartoons. He said that cartooning was too important to be left to the managers. When he said that 80 years ago, he may have been right. But today, DILBERT is too important to be left to comics. They have neither the time, the training, nor the inclination for strategic comedic thought. Management can no longer sit back and allow Comic infiltration, Comic indoctrination, Comic subversion, and the international Comic conspiracy to sap and impurify TA-55.

Well boys, I reckon it boils down to this: Comic combat toe to toe with DILBERT. Now look, I ain’t much of a hand at writing letters, but I got a pretty fair idea that something doggone important is going on down there. And I got a fair idea of the kinda personal emotions that some of you fellas may be thinking. Heck, I reckon you wouldn’t even be human beings if you didn’t have some pretty strong personal feelings about Comic combat. I want you to remember one thing –the folks at TA-55 is a-countin on you, and by golly you shouldn’t let them down. I’ll tell you something else, if this thing turns out to be half as important as I figure it just might be, I’d say that you’re in line for some important promotions and personal citations when this things over. That goes for every last one of you regardless of your race, color, or your creed.

So hang in there. God willing you shall prevail, in Peace and Freedom from fear; through the purity and essence of your natural fluids.

-Thomas Thomson